WHY I SAY REPEAL

The Current Legislation on Abortion in Ireland 

Is a Health Risk 

I say this because of the number of women who are travelling daily to get access to abortions are doing so in secrecy, and those who are self-administrating abortions at home in Ireland, are criminalised for doing so. What happens when something goes wrong? How are women supposed to deal with health complications if they’re too afraid to speak about them because of the consequences that follow? 

I’ve never had an abortion, but I did have D&C (Dilation and Curettage) some years ago, after I miscarried at 10 weeks. The day after the procedure, I was walking in the park when the painkillers suddenly wore off, and I experienced severe pain. The pain was in my womb, and it spread like fire all around the insides –as if my womb was imploding. I could feel the size and shape of my womb from the pain. I could hear its echo, and its resonance like that of a sleeping chamber that woke up empty. I buckled over, and one of the park gardeners had to help me to a bench. I said it was a tummy bug… I mean, how do you quickly explain to the park gardener the abstract pain of miscarriage? The procedure was very traumatising and deeply private for me. Luckily, I was able to talk about it, and get the support I needed to heal. If I'd had an abortion, and I'd experienced pain following the procedure, and I couldn't reach out - where would I be now? Again, I'm not saying the two are the same, but when we undergo any medical procedure, we need to psychologically heal too, and if we don't change the legislation on abortion in Ireland we are isolating those who suffer, and that's not good. 

A year on from the incident in the park I was pregnant again. It was the time Savita Halappanavar died, and I was in my second trimester. I met a friend in town, and outside the window of the Café where we were sitting, there were people preparing for a vigil for Halappanavar to take place that evening. So we’re sitting there (I’m drinking my usual cup of Barry’s Tea) and my friend asks me how I feel about abortion? I was  about to launch into a “political versus moral debate about choice” when my womb retched with pain. Once again the sides streaked with sensation, and while it wasn’t the actual pain I experienced the year before, it was the memory of the pain. I was revisiting a feeling of something removed, scrapped out…emptied. A voice inside me thought “never again”. Then it completely changed, as if by some biological emergency a sensation of cool comfort washed over my abdomen, protecting the life that was cushioned there, buoyant and growing. I didn’t know what to say. My body was saying, “don’t even think about thinking about it, not now, not for the next year or so”. Then again I had so much to say about it. So I muttered something like “I’m one of the ones on the fence”. To which my friend said, “Of all the people I know, I thought you’d be pro choice”. To which I said, “Honestly, I just don’t know.” I still don’t know. But I do know our bodies don't always agree with what we think, because  often our bodies are dealing with an experience and responding to that experience in a way that works against our thinking. 

My "opinion" on abortion is a series of stops and starts, of tangents and questions. Of understandings and inner responses. Ideas that form but never get expressed or articulated, because they don’t seem to fit either side of the argument. The mind is saying one thing, and the body is feeling another.  I am clear on one thing though; the consultant handing me a pamphlet on Miscarriage after it happened to me was too late. It only added salt to my wounded womb, because I had to deal with how ignorant I was to my bodily functions. It intensified my shame, and amplified my feelings of failure. I think this is the same for people who are looking at abortion, they are in the situation already – maybe this is the problem all around; we’re not getting the correct information, and we’re not getting it at a time where we can safely process it all, and mountains of policy and legislation isn’t going to make us any wiser. I for one have remained confused, perched on my fence. Life on the fence isn’t easy. You’re looking at both sides and all you can see are two walls of opposition closing in on you. You see, in today’s world you’re not allowed be confused, or uncertain, but I am.

I believe, however, every parent has the right to the correct information about reproduction, miscarriage and abortion. I was taught “sexual reproduction” in school, but it didn’t teach me about childbirth, and its success or failure. I realised through my experience that our reproductive cycle doesn’t just happen “if you get pregnant”. It’s taking place all the time. It’s a cycle that affects our feelings and our sense of self. Its part of who we are, and how we function in the world. I know from talking to other parents who miscarried pregnancy (1 in 4 pregnancies miscarried the same year as we did) they talk of a loss of identity, of the feeling of something you have identified with being taken from you, lost. Parents I know undergoing IVF talk about how every month they’re not pregnant something dies inside them, the identity of what could have been… dies, and they feel an immense sense of failure. There’s one woman I know who had an abortion, and she talked about how she grieved for the foetus, but she felt she had no right to feel after what she had done. The feelings of grief, failure and shame, are just as valid for all parents of pregnancy loss. It’s all happening at once, all the feelings are happening all the time, and trying to vacuum pack them into right and wrong is useless. It’s not healthy to oppress feelings, and this needs to be illuminated. 

This is why I say repeal. I jump down from my fence and I say; there should have been a public referendum when it was called for. It needs to happen, for everyone’s sake.  Not because we need to agree on everything, but we need to express our feelings and fears as a whole. As a community of parents, we should make the decisions on what’s best for everyone. What’s the best way we can all live together even if we believe entirely different things? What feelings do we share and how can we support a better health system for everyone? I believe as a democracy we have the right to decide the shape and form of our public discussion. The Government are there to facilitate democracy, not sweep our voices under the rug.

My main concern with the current legislation on abortion is that it puts people’s health at risk. This needs to change, radically and immediately. I write this by way of standing next to the thousands of people who will stand together on September 24^th. I stand because I believe every parent has the right to the correct information about reproduction, miscarriage and abortion. I stand for the dignity of the confused. I stand because I believe there are other ways, and better ways. I stand for what is possible and not yet imagined. I stand because I don’t agree with you, but I respect your story; and I stand, because I want to heave up the rug of ignorance and illuminate the dark places it conceals.